A Death Note Christmas Carol
by Dark Lord Zorc
Summary: A comedic telling of "A Christmas Carol" involving characters from Death Note!


A Death Note Christmas Carol

***Writers note: the following Fanfic is rather silly in nature. You have been warned.**

(Starts off with Light writing down names in his Death Note. Ryuk is playing Mario Kart 64 while Misa is making Dinner. It's Christmas Eve.)

Light: (Sighs) Another sleepless night.

Misa: Hmm? What do you mean?

Light: Idiot. Don't you know crime rate skyrockets during the holiday season? I have to kill off so many criminals! (Beat) By the way what's for dinner?

Ryuk: (To himself) HA HA! Donkey Kong's such an idiot! He slipped over his own banana peel and slid right into the Jinx! On Rainbow Road no less!

Misa: Can't ridding the world of evil wait until AFTER the holidays? And we're having vegetable soup.

Ryuk: No… No… No…

Light: No. And I hate vegetable soup!

Ryuk: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! DAMN YOU BLUE TURTLE SHELL OF DOOM! YOU JUST HAD TO STRIKE WHEN I WAS 10 FEET FROM THE FINISH LINE! DIDN'T YOU? (Beat) Meh, I'm bored now. Hey Light, what did you get me for Christmas?

Misa: You will eat the soup and you will like it!

Light: Will both of you shut up! (Beat) You know what, I'm going to go take a nap. Good night!

Ryuk: But-

Light: I said good night sirs! (Exits)

Misa: Sirs?

Ryuk: He never did answer my question. (Beat) Ah well back to my game.

Disembodied voice: YOU JUST LOST THE GAME!

Ryuk: DAMN YOU DISEMBODIED VOICE!

Misa: C'mon Ryuk. We're going out!

Ryuk: Ooh, where are we going? Disney World?

Misa: You'll see.

(Back in the bed room, Light is sleeping. The ghost of Watari enters)

Watari: Light… Light… Light…

Light: (Wakes up) Hmm? Oh it's just you Watari. Wait a second, you died. (Beat) AHHH! WATARI IS A ZOMBIE!

Watari: Ghost.

Light: AHHH! WATARI IS A GHOST! Please don't haunt me!

Watari: Oh good heavens no! I would never do anything so vulgar. Would you like some candy?

Light: No thank you.

Watari: Tea?

Light: Nope.

Watari: Cake?

Light: THAT'S A LIE!

Watari: Potato chips?

Light: I shall these potato chips from you… AND EAT THEM!

Watari: Please, PLEASE never say that again. EVER. Oh, and I'm here to tell you that tonight you shall be visited by three ghosts… Other than my self, of course.

Light: Say what?

Watari: And their names are P, PR, and F. They shall show you the error of your ways, Light Yagami.

Light: That's fan-fucking-tastic.

Watari: You have been warned.

Light: Can I go back to sleep? I was having a great dream.

Watari: Sure. (Exits, Light goes back to sleep)

(An hour passes. P, a ghost who looks like L, appears.)

P: Kira! Kira wake up!

Light: Dammit! Why do people and ghosts always fell it necessary to wake me… (Looks at clock) Hey! It's 7 o'clock! What kind of ghost haunts people at 7 o'clock?

P: Ones that don't give a shit about what you think! Anyway, I'm P, the ghost of Christmas past, and-

Light: OH! P as in past! I get it! And PR is present and F is Future!

P: Wow… You're JUST getting that? You're a real dumbass. Oh, and F actually stands for FUCK YOU! Oh right, I'm here to show you the error of… Something or other. I can't quite remember.

Light: Look here ghost who looks exactly like L, if this is about the time I sold your… I mean L's clothes to hyperactive fangirls, I'm sorry! I didn't know they would do… THAT! (Shudders)

P: NOT THAT! I had forgotten about that and now… Just… Anyway, I have to take you back to your childhood. HERE WE GO! (Light and P begin time traveling via the time stream. The song "Time Warp" is playing.)

(Now at the Yagami household, sometime in the past.)

Soichiro: So, have you two decided on what you want to be when you grow up?

Young Sayu: I want to be a doctor!

Soichiro: Now Sayu, you know you're too stupid for that.

Young Light: I want to become a god of a New World!

Soichiro: Good for you son!

Young Light: And I want a bicycle for Christmas!

Soichiro: HELL NO! We're poor right now!

Young Light: But… What about the loads of money the banks got during the bailout? **(*Writers note: In my defense, the joke was relevant when I first wrote this thing.)**

Soichiro: They won't be giving it to us. And while that may suck, at least this isn't a socialist country.

Young Light: Oh, yeah.

Light: Hey, L-ghost.

P: What is it?

Light: Can I get some popcorn?

P: Wha- What?

Light: Well, it feels to me like I'm watching a movie, so I need some popcorn.

P: No you don't get popcorn! We're here to see the start of your hate for Christma-

Light: I don't HATE Christmas.

P: Fine, your dislike for-

Light: I don't dislike it either.

P: Look, just learn your lesson so I can go back to my afterlife.

Light: (Beat) Do you have any potato chips?

P: I'm going to stop talking to you now.

Sachiko: Dear, I'm worried about Light. He keeps writing stuff down in a notebook, then knocking down his toy soldier and screaming "Justice".

Young Light: JUSTICE!

Sachiko: Just like that.

Soichiro: Don't worry, it's just a phase. I was the same way when I was young.

Lind L. Taylor (television reporter): Breaking news! Santa Claus has just been murdered! That's right, despite the fact that he's immortal and moves at the speed of light, SOMEONE MANAGED TO MURDER HIM! Here is a picture of the suspect! (Cuts to a picture of Sylar.)

Young Light: I will find that murderer where ever he's hiding, and I will eliminate him! I AM JUSTI-

Sachiko: Light! Time for cookies!

Young Light: Oh boy, cookies!

P: Have you learned your lesson yet?

Light: Hmm? What? I'm sorry, I wasn't paying attention. There was a woman a few houses down taking a shower in a very sexy manner.

P: When did you-? Never mind. (Makes a train magically appear and he pushes light in.) Goodbye Light Yagami. Oh, by the way, the other two ghosts are worse than me. (Door closes and train goes)

Light: Oh crap. (Beat) By the way, who says goodbye like that to an enemy on a train?

Disembodied voice: WHAT ABOUT THAT TIME WITH RAYE PENBER?

Light: Shut up.

(An hour passes with Light still on the train. The train suddenly stops and PR, a ghost that looks like Mello, enters.)

Light: Great, Willy Wonka is here.

PR: Shut up mother fucker! My name is PR, the ghost of Christmas present and the baddest son of a bitch this side of the ghetto. Now we gonna see how yo' killin' affect yo' bitches!

Light: Does that mean we're going to get off the train?

PR: Damn straight.

Light: All right!

Raye Penber: Help… Me…

Light: Shut up!

(Light and Mello go to the time stream and find themselves in a pimped out car. The song "Candy Shop" begins playing.)

Light: Wait… Why are we time traveling? If you're the ghost of Christmas present, we don't need to go through time.

PR: Yeah, but it's damn cool!

Raye Penber: Help… Me…

Light: Did you put him in a trunk?

PR: No doubt!

(At the task force head quarters)

PR: We start wit' yo' crew!

Matsuda: Yay! Role!

Light: I don't give a shit about them.

PR: All right, we move on to yo' bitches.

Matsuda: Yay! Cameo!

Aizawa: SHUT UP MATSUDA!

Matsuda: Yes sir.

(At Mikami's house. Misa and Ryuk are also there, and Ryuk is eating an apple.)

PR: Now pay attention mother fucker!

(P appears)

P: Wait a second, Kira!

Light: What? I thought I was done with you.

P: I got lonely. By the way, where was that woman in the shower again?

Light: Three houses down. The blue one. Go in through the shadows to the left.

P: Thanks! (Leaves)

PR: Who does that fucker think he is, interruptin' my work?

Light: Someone cooler than you.

PR: Boy, don't make me sell yo' shirt to fangirls.

Misa: Hey Mikami.

Mikami: Delete. Delete. Delete.

Misa: Light won't stop working, even though it's Christmas Eve. What should I do?

Mikami: Delete. Delete. Delete.

Misa: I'm pretty sure that's illegal.

Mikami: Delete. Delete. Delete.

Misa: Good point.

Mikami: Delete. Delete. Delete.

Misa: No, I can't. I'm on a diet.

Light: Once again, people I don't care about.

PR: (Beat) How 'bout dis then: either you do what I say, or I pop a cap in yo' bitch ass.

Light: You're a ghost, what can you do?

PR: (Beat) When you dead, I'm gonna beat yo' ass. (Kicks Light into a ditch.)

(An hour passes and Light is still in the ditch. F, a ghost identical to Near, appears)

F: All right, let's get this over with Kira.

Light: Wait, who are you, and how do you know I'm Kira?

F: I'm F, the ghost of Christmas FUCK YOU who looks like Near, and I know you're Kira because Obama is black.

Light: That… Doesn't make much sense.

F: Hey, I'm the only smart guy who survives the series, I don't need to make sense.

Light: Yeah, well at least I have a fan base. And a girlfriend. Actually, I have three girlfriends. I'm more of a pimp than Mello!

F: Considering he could only get one girl, and didn't bother watching her shower, he's not much of a pimp at all. Actually, I think he's gay. That would explain why he likes hanging out with Matt so much.

Light: And L just creeps girls out. He keeps them tied up in his basement.

P: And WHO kicked your ass?

Light: (Beat) Can we get going now?

F: All right. BACK TO THE FUTURE!

(The two go to the time stream. The song "Barbie Girl" is playing)

F: Don't… Say… A word.

Light: So… What do you have to do with my future?

F: I indirectly cause your death.

Light: FUCK YOU! Both because it's your name and I don't like you!

F: No one likes me.

Light: Not even Buddha or Jesus?

F: Especially not Buddha and Jesus! They spent five hours last week slapping me for no reason!

Light: So… Uh… How does time travel work?

F: Captain Falcon is awesome.

Light: What?

F: Time travel works because Captain Falcon is awesome.

Light: Okay, does ANYTHING you say make sense?

F: Not really.

(Now in a post-apocalyptic future, with lots of stuff destroyed. There are disembodied heads of elves on sticks coming out of lakes of vegetable soup.)

Light: How… How did this happen?

F: Because Paris Hilton is a whore.

Light: That… Actually kinda makes sense… I think.

F: Oh, it gets worse.

Light: I don't see how it could be wor- OH MYSELF! Look at this! (Picks up a newspaper) "New dictators of the world… TELETUBBIES!

F: Told you it got worse.

Light: How did this happ- (Beat) On second thought, don't answer that.

F: Wait, we have one more place to visit.

(Now in a grave, with the two standing in front of a tomb stone.)

Light: No… This… This can not be…

F: Search your feelings. You know it to be true.

(The tombstone is revealed to be that of James Earl Jones)

Light: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-

F: Now do you-

Light: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-

F: Now-

Light: -OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

F: You done?

Light: Pretty much.

F: Now do you see the error of your ways?

Light: Oh, ghost of Christmas FUCK YOU, how can I prevent this tragedy?

F: Buy me toys! (Beat) And stop killing people.

Light: How about I give you the money to buy toys and promise not to kill on major holidays.

F: Fair enough. (Light hands F the money)

Disembodied voice: AND IN WHOVILLE THEY SAY, F'S SMALL WALLET GREW THREE SIZES THAT DAY!

Light: All right, who the hell is that?

F: It's Higuchi. (A light shines on a silhouette not too far away, revealing that the voice was, in fact, Higuchi)

Higuchi: How'd you know?

Near: Because Ryuk can never get first place when on Rainbow Road in Mario Kart 64 because of Blue Turtle Shells.

Higuchi: Huh?

Light: Just go with it.

F: Any way, I'm out. (F disappears)

(Light wakes up, as he's back in his room. Misa enters.)

Light: It's over…

Misa: Oh, Light! I have the Death Notes ready.

Light: That can wait until tomorrow, for today is Christmas!

Misa: Hurray! (Pulls out walkie talkie) Mikami! Abort! Abort!

Mikami: Delete?

Misa: I'm not talking about a baby, I'm talking about the plan!

Mikami: Deleeeeeeeeeete.

Misa: (Talking to Light) Now, let's have a Christmas feast! We'll have chicken, turkey, potato chips, cake, apple pie-

Ryuk: (Ryuk and Mikami come through the window.) I heard apple!

Mikami: Delete. Delete?

Light: Well of course! It's not Christmas without porn!

Mikami: Delete! (Everyone except Mikami leave) Delete Delete Delete! Delete Delete!

Light: No one can understand you!

Mikami: DELETE!

End.


End file.
